


Wounded animal

by Killer_Kiwi_XD



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Kylo centric, Kylo feels, Multi, No OC, Rey as lukes daughter, Sadness, Self Harm, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:52:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5803441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killer_Kiwi_XD/pseuds/Killer_Kiwi_XD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo is no monster but he is a wounded animal… Rey glimpsed the truth, Luke understands it, and Han Solo took it to the grave. The truth of Kylo that no one suspects is right at the surface but his teacher taught him well, and his heritage helped him fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story based entirely around Kylo and the previous movie as long as potential options for the future. It starts at the end of "The force Awakens" but will take place through the entirety of the movie and perhaps further. The first chapter is simply a prologue.

This hurt so much more than he thought it would. Not the wounds though, not the ice cold snow, not even the realization that he was surpassed by someone who was no more than a child in his eyes. That wasn't what hurt. His cheek burned, it burned with a touch that wasn't there, the agony from warm fingers that would go cold brushing against his face.The memory of understanding eyes going hazy and dull made him sick. This hurt, it burned him, it made his soul churn achingly hard in the blackened confines he had bound it down into.

Kylo could feel hands pulling at him, Hux muttering something about going to Snoke, but after the fight he was drained. Those two… they would be hard to deceive later and they would be out for revenge. Kylo knew this very well but as he witnessed the falcon descend into the trees he knew that with the destruction of this weapon it would be a long while before he had another run in with Rey and Finn.

Kylo leaned on Hux as they ran, collapsing into a vessel and taking off though Kylo could hear the panicked tone in the generals voice at the blood. He knew the man wasn't worried about him, more worried about what Snoke would do should Kylo die on the way to him. The young jedi simply closed his eyes against the headache of a man, holding his hand firmly against the wound to stop the bleeding. The scene, it played back in his mind when he felt the pain.

Han Solo, his father, he had just tumbled over the edge of bridge. Kylo knew Chewie would shoot at him and he should have stopped it, he could have, he stopped that fool rebellion leader while trying to get the last piece of the map that he… didn't need. He should have stopped it but he let the blast sear into. He wanted to feel something physical that could combat the way his very being had screamed out when he watched that body fall. He had felt the force shake with it, the agony it wrought through his soul, and the sudden snap of someone like that being removed from the world.

Kylo pressed harder, wincing but shoving Hux away from him with a scowl.

"I'll live. The other wounds… they will heal. You just need to get us somewhere I can patch myself up or be patched up before we go to Snoke. I would not like to imagine what he might do to you should I be brought in this state." Kylo Ren bit out the words but they fell heavy on his own ears. Obnoxious and self important was a role he had gotten used to but now it felt like another burning poison.

_"I feel… like I am being torn apart"_

The words echoed in Kylos mind as if he hadn't been the one to say them.

_"Will you help me?"_

Kylo closed his eyes, wishing he had not forgotten his mask as the pain shot through him. Help him… what could his father have done? Han Solo had not known what was going on, he had pleaded for Kylo to return without knowing a thing.

_"Your son is gone! He was weak and foolish like his father! So I destroyed him!"_

Kylo reeled himself against every word. Weak, he felt that now, he felt weak somewhere in his chest. Kylo laid himself still as a statue and simply hoped the foolish general would think him meditating, or focusing, maybe even healing.

_"It's too late.."_

Han hadn't known why, he couldn’t have, he didn't understand what Kylo had given up in order to do what he was doing.

" _Come home. We miss you…"_

Kylo reigned in the agony as it reverberated along his senses. He wanted to go home, he wasn't ready for this, he wanted to go back to being a child again. Back when he had first learned he could use the force. Where he could pretend chuck rocks at chewy and hide in a tree. Where pain was from a scraped knee and not the agony of this. He had never wanted any of this when he agreed, he had never wanted this pain, and he could feel it making him weaker.

_"I feel like I am being torn apart." 'I dont want this. I never agreed to this... I can't come back from this...'_

_"Will you help me?" 'Please… please just leave me to this father. Please just leave me too this.'_

_"Yes. **Anything.** " 'NO.'_


	2. Memories and idiocy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Hux have escaped the exploding weapon. Kylo dreams of his past and finds out where the general has landed them while he heals. How long the two of them are stuck on the planet is unknown... And are Kylos "memories" real or delusions brought on by his injuries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter. I do not know how many of these I will do but I cannot promise length, simply story, some chapters may be long and others may be short. I just hope they are enjoyed.

Ben Solo laughed behind the mask that covered his face. It was covered in soot, ashy and nearly black, but needed for the magma fields he and his knights had gone to. Luke had been… gone again. He wasn't sure why, though he often wondered if his uncle was off telling his mother and father that Ben had shown up at his doorstep. Not that Ben blamed his parents, they were not prepared to raise a jedi, and with Luke Ben had already learned so much and made friends.

Though Ben often wondered about his uncle, his uncles teachings, the sometimes dark look he would see in the mans eyes. There was something haunting to it that Ben often wondered about and questioned if it lived inside him as well. Sometimes his knights, as they enjoyed calling themselves, would say they saw it as well, when Ben was angry and loud, but it would fade… unlike Luke.

It was already dark as they were heading back to the rest of the padawans that Luke had gathered, some much older than what would be allowed for typical teaching, Ben was laughing still over one of the knight stumbles when they caught the glow of red among the dark. The small group stopped dead in their tracks, the respirators going silent, before they felt the vacant shake of the force and they were running.

By the time they arrived there was no screaming, or so they thought, until they heard one small shrill voice screaming out.

"DADDY!!" Ben felt his heart screech to a halt at the familiar voice. His feet found purchase among bodies, pushing him fast into the deep parts of their temple, until he saw the red saber wielding sith and the small girl cowering before him. Kylo didn't think, he drove his own saber forward, and when the man collapsed the teen stood stock still among the bodies. His friends, the knights, they stood behind him all in shock as they looked around the piled bodies of children and adults alike.

Every last person Luke had gathered, every last one, was laying dead at their feet and Ben had just killed the culprit. The small shaking girl sobbed as Ben stood there in shock before the young man ripped off his mask and threw it on the ground.

"Rey! Rey come here!" He crouched down to the young girls height and wrapped his cousin in his arms. She trembled in fear, sobbing into the teens shoulder, Ben could hear the others removing their masks as well.

"No… No put them back on…" Ben stood quickly with Rey in his arms and grabbed his own mask. He slid it back on before picking up not his lightsaber but the strangers saber. He moved over the bodies, now being careful of where he stepped, until he found where Rey had stayed with Luke. He grabbed a few things, his mind working fast at what this meant. A sith had found it's way into their temple, into their lives, and had destroyed the entirety of all the jedi that Luke had train. This was a padawan that Luke had taught, a young man Ben had seen many time, this was one of their own ranks that had turned darkside.

Ben set Rey down on the bed closest to him and quickly moved around the room, the other members of his little group standing hesitantly in the door way. They watched Kylo curiously and with apprehension, used to his fits of manic anger but also unused to the more controlled state he had when faced with danger. Danger wasn't part of their lives, they were students, they didn't fight evil as an outside force just inside themselves… but Kylo had just killed a man to save his cousins life and Luke was no where to be seen.

The knights were lacking guidance and Ben was not speaking, their agitation was humming in the air like electricity, eventually the feeling pulled Ben from his frenzied state.

"What are you doing here? Go get your things… when have to burn this place. All of it." It was a strange thing to say, confusing to the group, they didn't understand the thought process but they followed what Ben said. They trusted him…

…..

Kylo slowly opened his eyes, not having realized he had blacked out during the flight. He was laying flat now, instead of the uncomfortable lounged position he had taken up in the tie fighters. The heavy clothes he had been wearing were stripped away and replaced with bandages. The cloth dressings stuck to his wounds in an irritating way but he didn't scratch at them. His face stung from the slash from Rey, and pushing himself up nearly failed from the would that Fin had inflicted.

"Your awake." Kylo glanced to the his left, taking notice of the crude tent he was inside, just to see general Hux stepping into the small confines.

"Lucky for you." He bit out though he had managed to sit himself up. Kylo reached up to touch the wound along his face but heard Hux huff in irritation.

"I wouldn’t do that. I just got that would cleaned up… it's going to leave a nasty scar." Kylo let his hand drop, giving the man an irritated and bored look. He deserved it for the wound he had given Finn, though he had not intended to hurt the male so grievously, he deserved much worse for the other atrocities he had commited. But Hux didn't know that, would probably congratulate him if he knew, which was why Kylo intended to keep silent. Killing the general now would be pointless.

"Scars meaning nothing to me. How long will this be delaying us?" Hux huffed, as if he expected a thank you or something, if Ren didn't hate the man so much… if this was another life than he would have thanked him for this.

"Depends on you. The wounds from the saber will heal quickly but the wound you sustained to your side will take longer. It's as if something beat it after your were wounded." Kylo didn't look at Hux when he spoke, so that he wouldn’t be tempted to look away when he lied.

"Apparently the girl was more talented in hand to hand than I assumed." He wouldn’t mention he inflicted more damage from trying to show both Fin and Rey where he was injured.

_Thud. Thud. Thud. 'right there… swing so I need to block on this side… come on.'_

_"Traitor!" Thud. Thud. Thud. 'Come on you are a trained fighter pay attention. Hux has to be teaching his men to do more than point and shoot…'_

_Thud. Thud. Thud. 'Come on Rey-' Stumble, thud. 'You caught on fast.'_

"It doesn’t matter. I will heal quickly and we can leave. How long was I out for?" The general looked around the small tent before tapping a broken monitor.

"It's been three days since we crashed here." Kylo went completely stiff at that then turned his head to glare at Hux.

"Crashed? You crashed the fighter on this planet?" The general shrugged before huffing.

"I didn't do it on purpose you know. The planet was exploding, we got hit, you had passed out so I went as far as we could and here we ended up." Kylo made to stand, hux protesting heavily at all his movement.

"Here? Where is here? Hux where did you land the ship!" The general shifted before sighing.

"The last coordinates the weapon had locked onto. The data in the ship was destroyed, the system we were in was ruined, I had to go somewher-" Hux choked on his excuse as Kylo reached out and physically grabbed him by the throat.

"You landed us on a rebel planet! THE rebel planet! Not even I thought you were fool enough to-" Kyl gasped, releasing his grip as pain lanced through him, he pressed a hand against his side and Hux gasped as he stumbled back.

"Me a fool?! You just opened up your own wound again! I went where I could now lay back down- No… Kylo Ren lay down!" Kylo struggled against Hux. They needed to get off the planet, before any of the fools decided to try and stop them from returning to Snoke, injuries be damn Kylo would.. not…

The world was going black and far away, Hux was cursing, and then everything was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may seem like a lot was given away but in reality there is very little revealed in the first chapter. I imagine Kylo must be around 16 or maybe younger in the flash back.


	3. Hidden desert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben tries to protect those he loves and hide those he can. Kylo fights more with Hux, though it seems the two of them can't find where the blame lays.

"Ben…BEN." The young jedi, who was currently throwing things together, stopped in his tracks and looked to the door to see one of his friends standing there and staring at him. He seemed nervous, held only a small bag of things, Ben just gave him a strained smile.

"Ben why are we doing this?" Ben looked away then started gathering things back up while Rey cried off to the side. Ben knew that his friend couldn’t see his face, and he could vaguely hear the other calling his name again, before suddenly there was a hand on his should.

"Ben!" Ben should his shoulder and ripped off the mask on his face.

"Because we have to! You can't see that?! That sith found us and if it's assumed that any of us are alive… they will come again! Burning this place down leaves the idea that we are all dead and maybe, just maybe, we can all make it out of this alive. Luke isn't here so we have to do something!" Ben shoved the other young man away from him. The others were all silent but after the comment they decided as well that they would just listen to what Ben had to say.

They had gathered all of their things, and Lukes, before they started setting everything aflame. Ben held Rey close, the young girl gripping to his black robes as if they were the only solid thing in the galaxy, and when they stepped fully away from the center of their home Ben and his knights simply watched. The fire licked and burned at everything, the smell of burning flesh not reaching the group, but though they watched and stood clear they felt the flames.

The fire licked at every one of them, reminded them that their home was on fire, and the muffled sobs from Rey rung to the group that they had just lost everything. Ben felt a hand on his shoulder as he stared, one of his men trying to ground him as he stared resolute into the flames, but the damage was done. The flames meant nothing compared to what he had done that day and he was sure it would haunt him forever. He never wanted to use the force again, to wield a saber again, he should have stayed home with his mother and father where it was safe.

He wasn't going to let Rey suffer the same. He wasn't going to let his cousin fall into the torment of being a jedi. If she never knew her family, if she forgot this whole thing, than the galaxy would have one less ruined soul. Ben looked to his friend, his other knights, and then he pulled Rey from his shoulder.

"Rey… Rey listen to me." Ben didn't remove his mask but he did wipe away her tears.

"You won't remember this place. What's happened will be forgotten… You were left on Jakku by your family for a reason you do not know but if you stay there… they will be back." Ben saw the confusion on the little girls face, though the tears had stopped, and he repeated the story a few more times before she got a hazy look in her eyes.

"Sleep. Forget my face. The faces around you. Till you stand on the sand of Jakku you are with your family but their faces are not in your memory." Ben brushed the hair out of her face as his hand shook. He looked up to his friend so close to him and then handed the sleeping girl over to the other male along with her things.

"Take her to Jakku… My father bartered with men there a long time ago, they stole his ship… take her there and leave her there. I never saved her and you… You died in the magma fields." The young man nodded slowly but then he stilled.

"Ben what are you going to tell Luke?" Ben stared at the flames before him.

"I shouldn’t explain myself to a dead man. Call yourself something else, give up the force, you were never any good at using it… find my mother." The young man nodded slowly, stepping away.

"I always prefered the name Poe." Ben clenched his fist and heard the running foot steps away from him. When Luke showed up would be the true test. Rey needed to be safe but this… this evil needed to be stopped. If there was already sith willing to kill children and untrained jedi than that meant there was someone worse who was willing to do worse for their own purposes. Ben glanced back at his friends, all of them waiting to see what he would say next.

"This… is the start of a war. Leave now and you might not have to face it all… stay and you will most likely be following me. Where this leads… could be at a death by my hand." Ben waited, not a single person moved and then he turned to his friend fully, his hands clenched into fists. They were all still children, foolish and young, barely sixteen and old enough to understand what this was but they stood strong. Ben was proud… but he knew they would all be dead soon enough. And they all knew it too.

It wasn't until they heard an anguished scream that they knew they may not even live long enough to tell what happened.

…

Kylo jolted awake with a gasp, anger boiling under his skin, then he noticed that hux was no where to be seen so he had to direct his anger at the closest object. The crate tumbled to the ground with a thud, someone outside loudly cursing, but general Hux all but ran into the tent expecting to see Kylo on the ground. Instead the young man was glaring at the general with heated eyes.

"I didn't finish what I said earlier." Hux huffed loudly, highly put upon by this man, he was tired of this emotional little brat and was honestly considering just leaving him to die from his injuries or be found.

"And you never let me explain. We don't have a choice in being here Kylo. We crash landed, that means we don't have a ship, unless you can magically reassemble our ship with the force. I wouldn’t think you could though… you don't seem any stronger after you killed your father. In fact I would say it made you weaker-" Kylo reached out, watching the man choke on nothing with satisfaction.

"Even if all I had was a 100th of the power I had obtained from Snokes training I would still be able to choke the life from you without breaking sweat. So if I were you I would mind my manners because right now I am feeling less than amicable. Do I make myself clear _General?_ " Kylo watched the man choke, and nod, clawing at his throat until Kylo finally decided he would drop the man from his grip.

"Do you at least know where we are on the planet?" Hux coughed and gathered himself, nodding to Kylo's question. He started rambling about how far away from the base where, about the area of swamp they had landed in. Something about lucky firm ground and some old hut with nothing inside it. Kylo laid himself back down and listened carefully but let his mind wander.

He could remember that crying face from his dream, the sobbing and sputtering of a child.

_'Forget my face'_

Kylo never could have imagined that simple command would have hurt so much when he first captured Rey. He had removed that mask, like he should have done years ago, and she had not even noticed him. She saw nothing but the mask he held underneath and then when he had told her to use the force, when she had delved into her mind, what she saw… she had misinterpreted it. Or perhaps she had seen it just the way it should have been.

Kylo did fear he could never be as strong as his grandfather… Because his grandfather he turned against years of living in darkness at the end. His grandfather had gone back to the light and right now Kylo was in doubt… he was in doubt that he could ever return to what he was.

The laughter of his knights through respirators, the pats on the shoulder, the youngest ones call him by his name the very memories were agony inducing still. Kylo shoved away Hux when the man went to check his injuries.

"Leave them. They will heal faster when left on their own for now. We aren't close to the rebel bases, or at least we shouldn’t be according to your sources, I certainly hope you are right this time." Hux clenched his fists in irritation.

"This time?!" Kylo opened his eyes and glared at the man.

"It was your idea to use the weapon so soon… before that traitor you created had been dealt with. You revealed our weapon, used it, and as you seem to forget… rebels had a reputation for blowing up our biggest weapons. You exposed it… and we lost it before it was complete. Along with most of our troops. All of this lays on your head." Hux was agape  with irritation.

"You are the one that brought that GIRL onto our ship. When you could have gotten the droid you instead went after the girl!" Kyle pushed himself up.

"And you wanted the droid destroyed which would have done nothing since the girl had seen the map. She was the last key, and valuable to Snoke, but you couldn’t even keep your men out of the interrogation room like I asked. You left a fool to guard a jedi… and then you blamed me when she escaped." Hux just sort of stood there with his mouth agape before huffing.

"And you didn't kill her when you could have!" Kylo wanted to shout, he haunted to say he was over powered, he wanted to say something but all he could think of was those eyes of hers staring up in fear as a Sith attempted to take her life. Kylo laid back down with a huff.

"I don't have to explain myself to you general. You can explain everything to Snoke." It was a poor threat but it was all he could muster as he tried to cover his own ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore errors. I write these chapters late at night. Also I would love to hear some feedback.


	4. Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a choice when Luke takes off and Kylo is born.

Ben tried not to let the shutter show as it shook his body. The resounding shouting from his on coming master was enough to rattle his very bones. He knew what Luke would think and honestly it was what needed to be thought. If Luke knew that Rey was still alive then Poe wouldn’t be able to take off with the young girl. Luke wouldn't vanish, he would go on a vendetta, and that would make everything Ben was about to do completely pointless.

When Luke came around the corner Ben was hit by a wall of power, it sent the whole group sprawling, but Ben was the first one back on his feet. He knew he was no match for Luke but he fired back anyway in the hopes of knocking the man off guard. Ben watched him stumble before holding up his hands in defeat to the older Jedi.

"Luke stop! We found this place like this!" Ben felt another painful hit but he kept his feet under him this time. Ben watched Luke collapse before the flames, R2D2 at his side and whistling away in concern. Ben didn't know what to do, he and his knights just sort of glanced around at each other, until Luke howled out again and suddenly things were happening to fast. Ben was on his back, the wind knocked out of him again, Luke was gone, and R2 was shut down. No one knew exactly how it had happened but they all knew that Luke was gone. No questions asked, no questioning of Ben, just simply gone and Ben was stuck standing with his knights not knowing what he expected.

Ben looked around the group before clenching his fists and heading for the small pod jumper they had used to reach the magma fields.

"We need to tell my mother whats going on…" Though a part of Ben couldn’t help but feel that maybe talking wouldn’t be enough. He had just seen an entire village of young jedi wiped out, it was like anakin all over again, and he had just killed someone himself. He wasn't the child most the others were, he knew this meant war, this meant that the darkside had risen yet again in their galaxy.

Luke had just vanished, R2D2 was down, and now Ben was stuck with just his knights on the planet. His mother would tell him what she wanted but Ben wasn't a fool. The last time the darkside had returned the entire galaxy almost blew up. His own father was a casualty to the confusion darkness caused and Ben didn't want that to happen again.

He had known those padawan, trained along side the older ones, and he felt that ache almost as keenly as Luke was feeling it now. But who would take down someone brazen enough to use the force to kill children? Ben stepped into the little pod jumper with his friends and they all sort of stood around. They had gathered R2D2 as they left and now they were heading for main land. Ben slid his mask off his face and stared at it for a few moments in his hands.

It was nothing much, nothing at all, but it hid his face. Hiding behind a mask could hide who he was, maybe even which side of a war he was on, hell… his mother and father had fought a war.

"Ben… What are you thinking?" Ben rubbed his thumb over the soot covered plastic to see the white underneath it.

"Probably something stupid." His voice was rough with the emotions welling under the surface. Luke was of no use to them right now, hell the man would be useless for a long few years, and Ben… ben wasn't an idiot. The last time the darkside was stopped was from the inside and Luke wouldn’t do that again. Ben doubted with how his uncle was that the man could handle it.

He knew where his thoguhts were going, and he really couldn’t fathom that he would be some sort of martyr, but he also couldn’t imagine this war being won any other way. It had started, so the tactics had to start, and Ben was the only one with all the information at the moment… Though the memory of the strange sith lord was blurry.

"You have that look Ben… the same one Master Luke gets. What are you going to do?" Ben stared at the mask for a few more long moments then slid it back into place.

"If my uncle won't fight… I will follow my grandfather." Ben clasped his hands together tightly, hanging his head, and tried to find a way he would tell his mother his plan without leaving it to firmly in her mind. There was no way Ben would leave this a good guy, he would be just as evil as the master he was searching for, but if he could one day end it all then Ben would risk everything good inside himself to stop those he cared about from being hurt…

….

Kylo wasn't asleep, though he was sure Hux thought he was with how the man was moving around, in fact Kylo hadn't been asleep for a few hours but Hux was too much of a fool to notice. There was a moment of silence before suddenly the general spoke.

"I do know you aren't asleep." Kylo was moderately surprised by the assertion but he simply opened his eyes a sliver to glare at the general who seemed rough for wear.

"I have known you for so long Kylo I think I could tell when any jedi was fake sleeping." The man huffed before making a bit more noise and quiting down completely.

"Get some real rest so your wounds can heal faster. I want off this planet." Kylo chuckled darkly at the others comment.

"If you weren't so brash I would almost think you cared Hux." The general barked out a life. They both knew that Hux was only concerned with how he could keep himself out of Snokes light.

…

"My names Kylo now! GET IT RIGHT!" Kylo growled out to one of his knights. They had been over this a million times but it just seemed that the group wasn't getting it.

"I don't understand Ben! Why does it matter?!" Kylo shoved the boy away as he paced the small room they were all sharing on some cargo freighter to go find this Sith lord who was looking for recruits.

"Because I can't be connected to that anymore. This… I am not Ben Solo anymore! Ben Solo is dead, he died on that planet, I am Kylo Ren! And your lot are the knights of Ren! No names, no faces, and if one of you dies… no emotion." Kylo heard a few protests and he turned on them quickly, snapping, already trying to fill the role he told his mother he was going to play.

"Enoguh! Ben Solo is dead! My only goal is to be greater than my grandfather! When Luke ran he showed me how weak the light was, Rey showed me how weak the light was, and I will never feel that weak again!" Kylo watched as the rest in the group went silent, a few nodding, he knew that his friends understood what this was.

He couldn’t be little Ben Solo anymore. He couldn’t be the smiling teen jumping over magma vents. Kylo had made a choice that he would battle from the inside and one day in the future there would be an outside force that would help him destroy the darkness starting to eat at the galaxy again. Ben Solo was dying because Kylo Ren would be a monster based off a monster and the real person under the mask would probably never be seen again.

"But… Why the mask?" Ben stared at his friend for a moment before shaking his head.

"Ben Solo is dead… All that is left is Kylo Ren and this mask. I will need it." Kylo knew that this was it. After this, after they found the sith master, then he would be dead. He would die and he only hoped that it would save his family and the galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo will go more into his choice later on. So while it may seem vague and rushed Ben made the choice knowing that even the end result wouldnt save him from all the horrible things he was going to have to do. So... Kylo Ren took his place.


	5. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Hux just seem to get more volatile, though Kylo seems hesitant to use the force, Hux bites at his weakness but learns to back down. Kylo can not get the past off his mind.

Kylo was finally able to get up without feeling like his guts were falling out, much to the pleasure of Hux, which meant he could now watch himself and not have to be watched over. The two men were starting to grind on each other's nerves, as they always did, due to proximity. So when Hux decided to leave Kylo to see what he could find on the planet the young man was beyond grateful.

He kept his shredded cloak on as he got up and walked around the small campsite, they had only spent three days there so far but it looked a mess, he hadn't taken the time to look at what the saber had done to his face yet. The flesh there was tender, ragged, scarred and strange. Kylo wondered if he even looked himself with the scar but he knew he would. Him not being able to recognize his own reflection had nothing to do with changing facial features.

Kylo sighed, hanging his head as he sat on a log, his mask was gone as well. He had managed to keep that thing for years, to many if he had to be honest, and now just like everything else of him it was gone. It was fitting though, honestly, he killed his father and lost his identity… and his grandfathers helmet as well. The two things that had kept him bound to his family and his past were both gone in the blink of and eyes.

 _'Yes. Anything'_ Kylo huffed at the words ringing in his ears.

"Shut up… it was the only thing I could do…" He knew he was talking to himself but hadn't he always been when asking for strength? He claimed conversation with the dead but truly he just begged himself to stay strong for one more day.

 _'Come home.'_ Kylo could hear his mother in that one, she was trying so hard. From the beginning his mother had told him he didn't have to do this, that they would find another way, but Kylo wasn't an idiot. She had sent him letters he read in secret that always said the same thing to him. That he could come home, that this war would be won on it's own… but if he hadn't told Phasma to go down that specific hallway on patrol when he sensed his father than… His mother would be dead.

If Kylo hadn't told that idiot guard to stay in the room against Hux's order than he would have lost everyone he had ever cared about and the rebellion would have been crushed. It was purely by the fact that Kylo had done what he was doing that anyone was even alive. At least that's what he wanted to tell himself right now. He desperately wanted to believe that he was the only reason anyone was still alive but it couldn’t be completely true and Kylo knew it.

He had betrayed many people, too many people, and by simply going darkside he was betraying what he felt at his very core. What would this do? What would this create? Kylo didn't know but he guessed it was one monster at a time.

…

Kylo stared at the village with a small amount of apprehension that was heavily clouded by disdain. A few of the inhabitants of the small compound ran off, and Kylo certainly hoped an ex knight of his had run off as well, but he knew he would never be so lucky. Poe had always been brave and his mother had warned him that the once padawan believe Kylo was lost to his disguise.

The sad part was that Kylo couldn’t say he wasn’t, as Poe fired at him and he felt it coming, honestly Kylo was starting to wonder if perhaps he had actually lost touch with himself… with Ben solo. Of course then Poe was face to mask with him and just like Kylo expected there was no fear and understand emanating from the man.

 _'So do you talk or do I talk?'_ Kylo easily hid the smirk behind his mask before ordering that Poe be taken to the ship. Honestly Kylo had hoped no one would mention the villagers but then they did and he contemplated what he could do. He gripped his hand a little tighter and took a deep breath.

 _"Kill them all."_ Kylo had already murdered an innocent man… the rest of the village meant nothing to him. When the firing started though Kylo felt a pull at his senses, very gentle, and when he turned towards the force he was surprised to see it was one of the troopers. Kylo knew that pull, he had felt it many times, but maybe… maybe this would prove useful. Kylo decided that saying nothing might save his friends life.

And he was mostly right until they were back on the giant weapon. Until Poe was beign beaten black and blue then being left to Kylo who had an appearance to keep up. He didn't want to delve into his friends mind, he didn't want to pull at the other mans strings the way he was, but he had to make himself at least seem like a bad guy.

Then when he was done he couldn’t flee fast enough. He had felt like he was on fire, or perhaps just melting away, and it had made him want nothing more than to run as far from what he had done as possible. Instead he marched over to Hux and revealed the droid, what it looked like, and tried to keep focus on the 'importance' of finding Luke instead of just outright destroying the empire along with the rebels.

Of course when Poe escaped Kylo wasn't sure what to feel, how angry he should be, because there was a burning anger inside of him. The fact that he had been left alone yet again behind enemy lines left him feeling betrayed. He knew he had no right to feel such a way since he chose his path but that realization only led to more rage on his part.

He didn't want to be alone on this anymore but in the end the only person he had to blame was himself and it burned him up inside. No one had asked him to do this, because they hadn't wanted him to, but Kylo knew he had too. So when the fools got themselves stuck on the escape attempt, flailing around in ship bay like fools, Kylo disengaged the fueling tube and watched them take off. Because he was bitter with Poe for leaving him there and enraged that there was someone strong with the force under his nose. He let them go against his better judgment and he knew it would back fire later.

…

The memory of that loss of control was rather bitter for Kylo as he sat next to the fire he had started. To think that loss of control had gotten three planets destroyed, a loss of life that Kylo had been trying so desperately to prevent, and then after that the weapon was destroyed. Bitter sweet but more bitter considering it was now landing him straight in the clutches of Snoke.

To be a padawan from a distance was easy, to lie and cheat could be easily done, but to come face to face with his master and still keep his mask? Kylo was unsure how he would manage such a feat. A part of himself was already preparing for this, it was why he had drove his blade through his father's body and dropped the man into the center of the weapon. Kylo needed to prepare for what was to come next when it came to seeing snoke and keeping his secret a true secret.

"You won't be able to see a thing if you stare at the fire for too long." Hux's voice came all to soon and Kylo huffed. It was a single noise reply he was getting very used to emitting after being stuck in the generals presence for days. Kylo felt the man was barely even worth minimal conversation let alone the bickering that they had both been participating in up until a few hours ago.

"Well you will be happy to know we are stuck here until you are fully healed. We'll need to steal a rebel ship and of course that will send them all scattering more than they already are. You would think the fools would have already left the planet by now-" Kylo laughed at the statement and Hux just stared at him perplexed.

"Why? Why would they move when they just decimated your "great" army Hux? They had nowhere near your numbers and they crushed you." Hux looked abashed, stepping around Kylo to look him in the eyes.

"And you were defeated by a storm trooper and a little girl! You were nearly killed by a wookie and you almost let your father convince you back to the light side. I at least blew up a few planets before my plan was destroyed… You just kidnapped a little girl." Kylo stood, staring down at the shorter male for a moment, before his shoulder dropped.

"Your right. I did kidnap a little girl…and I killed my own father. But I wasn't the one who didn't realize they were training a JEDI to be a storm trooper. I wasn't the one who exposed an unfinished weapon to an alliance known for blowing things up. Hux your inability to take claim of your mistakes will disappoint our master greatly. I can only imagine what he might do to you." Hux didn't back down at the threat.

"Well Snoke isn't here right now. It's me, and you, on this planet with no way off besides a heist. So I will continue to not take the blame that you should be taking Kylo. I don't know what you did but I feel that all of this was your fault in the end. Things have been rocky ever since you became Snokes Padawan. Sometimes you have me wondering where your allegiances lay." Kylo was a bit surprised by that but then a dark look fell over his eyes.

"You question my alliance… when I just killed my father in cold blood? But not before giving him hope I wasn't darkside? Do you think I won't be able to make it to Snoke without you Hux? I know how to fly a ship remember. Honestly I am starting to think that Snokes punishment would be worth killing you now. I won't even use the force, I'll just snap your neck with my own hands." Hux tried to keep himself firm against Kylo but the thick swallow had Kylo knowing that he had scared the man. After a few moments Kylo stepped back from Hux and sat back down in the same spot he had been in before.

"For now you are useful. I suggest you keep being so, and you hold your tongue, my patience wears thin already… do not stretch it even more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: I do not hate Hux guys. But Kylo clearly did not like him in the movies. Honestly I feel opposites attract very often but these two are no opposites and and in fact I think that being close together for a long amount of time would actually make it even HARDER for these two to get along... or at least not kill each other.


	6. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo may be more wrecked than he thought, but is his fathers death bringing pieces of himself closer together?
> 
> And why does Hux know his name?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am just getting back into writing fanfiction after a long intermission. This chapter is IMPORTANT to the story line but also a sort of intermission between the last one and the next one.

They spent that night ignoring each others existence as they so usually did. Usually though the two men had the buffer of an entire planet to ignore each other and this time all they had was the opposing sides of a small fire and the inside of some ramshackle building that had once belonged to some hermit. By the time Kylo gave in to his exhaustion Hux had tried to drag the injured man back to his resting place at least five times.

Of course the actions went refuted and unappreciated, both of them knowing Hux was simply trying to cover his own ass, in the end though the general did have some understanding about how injuries worked. Kylo wasn't healed, not yet, and it would be a few more days before they could pull any sort of heist. When Kylo closed his eyes it was to the annoyed face of Hux and the hope that his dreams would leave him that night.

Unfortunately it seemed his injured mind and body still found need to try and bandage the injury with memories. This one though… this one was a fond one. Though now he found it similarly tinged with a bitter edge. Considering the distaste he now had for the second party in it.

**

He wasn't drunk, or so he told himself, he hadn't gotten himself drunk. He knew it was a lie but he had to tell himself this because Snoke would kill him for being a fool and staying out at some bar. His master would call him weak, see his weakness, because Kylo was trying to drink away the memory of what he had just done. But there he was, totally not drunk, and sitting in a bar with a drink in his hand. 

That junk "death star" planet wannabe thing was in the same orbit as the useless rock he was currently on. He was surrounded by off duty higher up personnel from the army who were celebrating a victory and not a single one knew who he was yet or that he was celebrating a defeat. Three of his knights had died, his friends, and he had been the one to kill them. He swallowed down a few more gulps of burning liquid.

It didn't help the melancholy he felt, though the looks he was getting from an equally drunk red head across the bar were starting to draw a pleasant joy from him. He was an idiot to those sort of looks, he hadn't been training long enough with Luke to yet take on the 'importance' of the celibacy of a light jedi. Not that Kylo had ever been around enough people he didn't consider family to really try this but his fumbled experiences after the slaughter were enough to give him some credibility. Or at least he hoped so.  
Kylo watched the red head stand, getting a pat on the back and snicker from one of his friends, before the man was sauntering over and taking the seat next to him confidently.

"Usually when you stare at someone like that your supposed to buy them a drink." The man grinned and leaned on the bar. Kylo hid his smirk behind his glass before motioning to the bartender.

"Considering all our drinks are free I hope you'll settle for me simply ordering you one." The red head chuckled and nodded. He took the drink and downed it rather quickly, Kylo raising an eyebrow at the mans eagerness to drink, before he looked him over and actually focused on him.

Clean haircut, straight shoulders, tempered even when drinking and clearly not as low ranking as some of the others around. Not a trooper of course, those were all in their units currently swallowing some homemade brew as they mourned the loss of friends and family, but the way this stranger held himself suggested some sort of importance.

"So what are you doing in this bar? All decked out in black?" Kylo raised an eyebrow as he slouched on the bar and shrugged.

"Celebrating a victory just the same as you. I would ask your rank but… rank can be irritating when you are drinking. Or flirting." Kylo grinned at the mans chuckle, the nerves just beneath the surface gave way that perhaps this stranger had even less experience in this than Kylo did. It was… beneficial. Kylo sat up straight, no longer slouching on the bar and was almost pleased to see the other male was shorter than him. Call it a superiority thing, or perhaps just a kink, he liked those under him to be a little smaller. Whether that under was in bed or in business Kylo wasn't at liberty to explain at the moment.

"I suppose that's what your doing right? Caught my eye half way down the bar. You certainly are a sight, most with hair as bright as yours aren't human." Kylo grinned as the males cheeks flushed and he turned in his seat, tactfully placing his knee between the other mans, he nearly missed the small smirk that the blush covered.

"Well you certainly are confident in endeavor arent you?" The red head before him grinned up at him and Kylo caught himself before he wavered.

"Perhaps… Or maybe I feel like I haven't had quite enough victories tonight." The comment had the others mans head tilting slightly to the side, his grin momentarily wavering, before he was leaning in and resting a heavy hand on Kylos thigh.

"Or perhaps… You feel like being defeated?" The way the word dripped off the others lips had Kylo gripping his glass tightly. The thought shot straight down his spine and low into his heated belly.

"You make the assumption I enjoy defeat." He muttered lowly and the red head grinned again.

"From the way you downed those drinks and your constant scowl… I would say yes. Most who lose don’t go looking for another fight still bleeding and bruised unless they are a glutton for the punishment." Kylo kept his face cool and collected but he felt as if the breath had just been knocked out of him.

"Now you’re the one being confident." He said lowly and the hand on his thigh shifted ever so slightly upward.

"Not confident… rather I know how to pick my prey." The word prey is what did it for him. Kylo didn't know why but he felt he needed to be defeated. He needed a physical defeat with the emotional turmoil that was ripping him apart.

"I already have a room here. Don't tell me your name and your out by morning." Kylo said quickly and in the next moment they were both standing from their seats and leaving the bar. They had just entered Kylos room when the stranger was pressing him against the wall and biting his neck. He wasn't that much shorter than Kylo and where that nearly meek first impression once was there was a clearly well versed man. He knew how to make defeat sweet, as he pressed Kylo into the bed and bit at bare shoulders, a sweetness Kylo knew he would later try to adapt to all his defeats so they hurt less.

**

When Kylo woke the next morning it was a tightness in his pants he didn't want to explain. It was hard to believe that the witty and grinning face he had goaded into sleeping with him was currently on the other side of a thin wall. Kylo would never understand where that encounter went wrong, where the hostility had developed, but he assumed it was somewhere in the parts of his alcohol induced memory loss.

He sat up slowly as he heard shuffling around, grumbling followed with every step, before Hux was peaking into the hermits den and staring at him.

"Your finally awake." Hux said with a look of distaste and Kylo bit back the sneer that threatened to form on his face. He wanted to snap but at the moment he was still reeling from the memory. A fondness settled in his belly and he sighed.

"How long was I out this time?" He mumbled. The tame response has Hux stunned into silence and Kylo had to quickly back peddle from the slip.

"We have a limited ammount of time Hux. I would like to know if we are going to get caught any time soon because you allowed me too long to heal." Kylo snapped but he knew it was a poor excuse of a cover up. He often found himself disarmed when he remembered that night though he could not comprehend why. The sudden hardening of Hux's expression showed clearly to Kylo that his cover had worked.

"Twelve hours and we can do nothing without you fully healed. We will not be caught out here." There was more that Hux clearly wanted to say but instead the man was leaving and Kylo was once again left to his own thoughts.  
He was still exhausted, his mind telling him to sleep again, but he found himself unable to just lay down and go back to sleep. For once it wasn't because of the occurrences of the last few days or the pull of the force. He wasn't thinking of the horrors he had committed, he wasn't thinking of the choice he had made by being this double agent, he was instead thinking about what parts of his drunken memory were missing.

Kylo was wondering where he had gone wrong and when he had so hostiley pushed this person away. Hux was… there with him every day. The one constant in this disaster that actually worried about him even if it was just because he worried his life would end if Kylo died.

Slowly Kylo stood and peaked out of the hermits building to stare at Hux. The man was sat in front of the fire staring intently at it, almost the same way he had stared at Kylo when they were drunk. Kylo would blame the injury for what he did next, the pain getting to his head of something, but he limped his way out into the dark night. He stood beside Hux who refused to look at him, they never looked at each other, and then grabbed his chin.

Kylo moved quicker than he should have, on motion of bending and turning the others face, and when he kissed Hux he was surprised to find no surprise there. The man was entirely pliant, only gripping Kylos wrist, and when Kylo pulled away he had a sinking feeling there was more than one drunken night behind the flutter he felt.

"Ben. Go back to bed." The affection in the others tone had Kylo reeling and when he pulled back there was a realization on Hux's face that this was Kylo. Kylo stood there confused and before Hux could speak, the red heads surprise burning brighter than the fire, he turned and shuffled back into the hut wishing he had simply dreamed another nightmare.

He laid down on the poor excuse of a bed, his heart hammering in his chest, and stared up at the ceiling.

How wrecked was he really?

**Author's Note:**

> Kylo Ren I think was a wasted character. He was the son of Han solo and princess Leia, the strength he should have had is not shown. I am attempting to give him justice and to show some reality.


End file.
